The Secret is "Self"-ish

There are three gifts you deserve to give yourself.

Nothing will be harder to do. But nothing will be more worthwhile.

It took me 30 years to figure them out…

Self-awareness. Self-love. Self-control.

This type of “self-ishness” is a rite of passage for all of us, a precursor to happiness and a prerequisite for success.


The hardest person to be honest with is yourself, especially as life moves fast and aspirations move faster. Looking deep is much more difficult than looking far.


I’ve learned that most of us think we’re either much better or much worse than we really are… self diagnosis is not a God-given talent. We’re too distracted by cultural norms or diverted by others’ expectations.

Self-Awareness is learning and understanding our strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, limits and boundaries, wants and needs. It’s the simplest sounding, but most complex skill we can learn.

Knowing yourself is the first step to finding your Purpose and unleashing your passions.

And it’s a never-ending process… self-discovery and personal evolution should be a daily ritual.


Most folks think I’m pretty into myself… Individual infatuation combined with personal adulation. And for the most part, I’ve tiptoed the line between confidence and cockiness my entire life.

But I didn’t love myself.


I still remember having a conversation with a good friend during a tough time just a year ago, and feeling my eyes start to water when he said “Brother, you need to love yourself.”

Underneath the outer façade, and unknown even to me, I was consumed by insecurities. Some were misguided, some based on failures, and others the result of a conflict between who I was and who I was “supposed” to be…  A messy inbreeding of fantasy and reality, with no room left for dreams.


When we peel away all the layers, and look deep within ourselves, we realize that fear and insecurity is what holds us captive.

Self-love is accepting and appreciating yourself for who you are, in spite of faults and flaws and in favor of respect and responsibility.

This isn’t conceit. Narcissism is actually the opposite of self-love; it’s based on inferiority and fiction.

Self-love is unconditional, genuine, and honest.

And it’s a precondition for a lasting relationship. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Otherwise, the love you give them is in place of the love you owe yourself… not in addition.


This is the hardest one for me. I can become fixated on things and be a little OCD at times. The same ravenous appetite and ambition that pushes me in the workplace, if left unchecked, can wreak havoc on my personal life.

I’ve learned that the art of restraint, however, can elevate us to a higher level.

Self-control is a Super Power.

This can be as simple as passing up a second helping of your evening meal or holding yourself back from systemically stalking your ex, or as serious as resisting the temptation of harmful addictions.

If you can control Self, you’ve tamed the wildest beast you’ll ever meet.


I work to do this everyday by living in the moment, focusing on what’s in my power, and staying true to my values and principles.

Mastering the 3 “Selfs” is a lifelong mission. I’m a work in progress and I fail often. Learning, loving, and limiting ourselves is not easy.

But this constant pursuit has already helped me both personally and professionally. The “gifts” are the beginning… the reward is peace of mind, calmness of heart, and clarity of purpose.

Be “self”-ish today.


Kash $

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    one of my fav posts Kash, thank you for reminding us of the most important self-cornerstones that help us grow

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    Excellent post Kash…It’s odd how you’ll find some people out there that believe having these traits is actually being selfish (in the wrong way)…they must not know how to #besomebody

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      Completely agree Brett… It’s unfortunate when people forget that the biggest service they can do for others is first ensuring their mind/body/soul is right… once we know who we are, love ourselves, and can practice restraint and balance, then we’re much better prepared to help the world around us…

      Self-love is a basic human right.

      thanks for the comment..


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    Really good post bro. Definitely agree with the Self-Love. A lot of people tend to let their insecurities rule their life. It starts to come out in their everyday lives and effects their relationships, personal and professional. It can do a lot of damage that they didn’t even realize they were causing. All because they don’t see themselves they way they were “meant” to…with Love.

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      Yeah bro…. exactly… I’ve learned that insecurity is the cause of most conflict, because it causes us to redirect perceived shortcomings as emotional poison towards others…. this is a daily battle for us to overcome insecurities, whatever they are, but it’s an important one…

      and yeah that Sheen pic is pretty sweet… combination of the magic of Google Images and my OCD-ness – i found it like on page 23 of the search!!! lol

      hope NYC is treating you well.


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    I am speechless really. This post just gave me the jitters and bought tears in my eyes. There are times when you are hit by a bolt of lightning and this is that moment.

    Yes being ‘Self’ ish is important. If you don’t you are just slowing killing yourself, your emotions. You are stuck between who you are and who you want to be.

    To love others you need to love yourself first. By pretending, you are just faking it.You are not true to them, you are not true to yourself. Its just hollow love.

    This process of being ‘self’ish however ironic it may sound is a tough one to adapt too. Try to think of yourself as a job given to you by God. He is your boss up there who is going to keep a tab of how well you are doing at keeping yourself happy.

    I really hope I follow this myself, soon. Thanks Kash for this highly enlightening post. It’s like someone has made me face the truth through your words.

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    Thanks very much…. it’s moments like these and comments like yours that make all of this worthwhile… I’m touched that this post connected with you in a genuine, personal way…

    I can understand how you feel. I really was overcome with emotion when my friend stopped me mid-sentence a year ago and said “you dont love yourself”… it was a similar feeling that you describe above… like something I knew, but buried down deep inside… humans are strange creatures i guess… it’s hard to pinpoint reasons why we feel what we do, it’s more a collection of experiences and conflicts and pressures and influences that lead us to feel one way or another… (“domestication” in the book, The Four Agreements)…

    But the great thing is that it’s never too late to make “the 3 Selfs” a core part of your life… you’re right, it’s hard to do, but it’s the most powerful gift you can give yourself…

    Thanks for sharing, and best of luck as you find your way. I know you will.


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    Gotta say kash- fantastic blog you have here…I tend to critically perceive people that blog as a self serving mechanism, a forum to voice there opinion and if enough followers are gained will act as a platform to “be somebody” and garner public recognition…but you know what? Why the hell not? Embrace it…those, like yourself, that genuinely have a passionate voice should have there opinion heard and can change lives…proud to know you, proud to see what you are doing and keep it up!

    1. Avatar

      Neilesh! Been a long time bro, great to hear from you… thanks for reading the blog and thanks a lot for the comment…

      you know, one of the simplest but most powerful things I’ve learned is that if your Passionate about something, put everything you can into it… if you love it, and if you’re not hurting anyone or yourself, then it really doesnt matter what anyone else thinks…

      and go easy on the bloggers bro… there are more than 150 million blogs out there, and 90% of people writing them arent gettin paid 🙂 … it’s not about ‘self-serving’, it’s about a forum to share and connect… and with this my blog in particular, i hope its a means to help inspire and push EACH OTHER… if one person is motivated or thinks better/differently with each post, then all the work is worth it… energy is contagious. 😉

      thanks again bro, and hope to see you in texas soon…


      ps – Go Lakers. 😉

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    Thanks for the reminder and for being open, honest, and sincere! I must say this is something I have struggled with in the past. I truly had to learn how to love myself before a lot of things in my life changed for the better. When I learned how and why God loved me and that I was worthy to be loved…faults and all, I finally learned how to love myself. As soon as I did that, I then knew how to truly love other people in my life. I also think it’s great you’re making people aware of “real love” and not the emotions or the motions we often pass off as love.

    Now I can’t say that I am a master at the other two but I am working on it. I find that the ever elusive balance is the key with anything in life. Not to mention helping others truly in need seems to put everything in perspective to help you become much more self-aware and have self-control.

    So as with all your post, I really enjoyed it. Thanks again for being inspiring and giving me some encouragement to continue to practice and to strive to do what is right!

    “Perfection is not attainable. But if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence.” -Vince Lombardi

    1. Avatar

      Thanks so much for the comment and the kind words, means a lot… I am so glad we were able to reconnect after literally 12 years due to the magic of Facebook!! 🙂 It’s connections like this that make my return from self-induced FB-exile so worthwhile… 🙂 (there may be a blog post idea in there somewhere… lol)

      I really love how you put it…: “When I learned how and why God loved me and that I was worthy to be loved…faults and all, I finally learned how to love myself. As soon as I did that, I then knew how to truly love other people in my life.”

      I completely agree… it’s about being “self-ish”, not selfish… to first love yourself, and then be ready to share that love with others… I couldnt admit this to myself for so long, until that one evening (sitting at a bar in Mexico City with a friend of mine), when it all hit me at once… and i learned that i needed to quit lying to myself, and quit letting fears and insecurities dictate my life… doesnt matter how “successful” you are on the outside if you’re not right on the inside…

      thanks again for the post, i’m glad you’re doing well, and I REALLY hope you’re able to make it out to the #besomebody Houston Launch Party on April 1st!! 🙂 (shameless promotion lol…)

      talk soon,

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    I would agree with Heba, in saying that this is probably my favorite post so far. Being a huge
    ” mooshball “( Hint to my self awareness) I not only totally relate but also the applaud the VULNERABILITY. A word , I for a long time saw as a weakness especially as a woman. Feeling like I had to constantly ‘be strong” whatever that meant. However in the universe’s ( God’s) clever way of teaching me that I know very little, the “supposed” strength was not where I had thought it was. The intention was good, but the result was self denial and a huge disconnect between the person I thought I had to be, the job I should have, the way I should act and dress, the man I should hope to marry, etc… and the person I am when I get… as a friend said so well ” Gut Level Honest ” with the girl in the mirror.

    It’s amazing how vulnerability just connects, in that moment when we say the sometimes emotional/uncomfortable thing is when we touch others the most. Hence to what looks like a record of 28 “likes” on facebook? ( correct me if I’m wrong)

    Even the order I find powerful because self awareness ( knowledge of self) is so crucial to growth. You can’t build what you know nothing of or change what you are not aware of.
    Loving ourselves, being gracious and kind to ourselves can be the hardest thing while they’re so deeply connected to self control.

    Saying yes to the things that are wholesomely good for us : From food to excercise and even loving, healthy relationships, to saying no to the toxic thoughts and superficial attitudes that just destroy and offer a false sense of confidence.

    The journey to the 3 selfs, if we welcome it , can be like a fire constantly refining the golden treasures we all have inside that make us #Besomebody . This one was a WOW!

    A thousand thanks Kash !!


    1. Avatar

      THANK YOU for the kind and thoughtful response and sorry it’s taken me some time to reply… I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts. 🙂

      I agree with you on all accounts…. for me, the moment I was honest with the reality that I didnt love myself, and that I was allowing fears and insecurities have an invisible but powerful grip on my life, I was able to set myself free…. and unleash my self to begin to live a life of passion and purpose. It was, and still is hard, but i believe it’s a rite of passage we all must make if we’re going to find peace and strength.

      I think the “order” of the ‘Selfs’ is critical… and as you can imagine, i definitely did think about it carefully…. 🙂 I feel like the most powerful form of Self-love comes when you TRULY learn/know/understand yourself… and then you love yourself anyway… it’s deeper, and more real.

      Thanks again for your comments… i agree, it seems like posts like these do connect with people because no matter who we are or where we are in life, we find common ground in our moments of weakness and feelings of vulnerability… the magic is when we transform those into anthems of strength and courage… i think we all can….

      talk soon,


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    My friend, this is a LOT of Power in this post! Really.
    I am endlessly happy to hear your voice like this – clear and confident yet vulnerable and loving. There is a lot of Light here…


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      Dennis! THANK YOU brother…. i hope you remember, that it was YOU who told me the piercing but honest words: “You need to love yourself.”… It was the simplest yet most powerful thing anyone has ever had the courage to tell me… And I am forever grateful my bro…. thanks for always teaching, listening, and sharing.

      hope to see you SOON!!!!!



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    Been there, done that! I believe the “3-Selfs” sorta come naturally. Some learn to identify the process, others just live through it like zombies. Nonetheless, living the process is bewitching. Its blissful!

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      I wish the ‘3-Selfs’ came naturally to me. I had to push past walls and doors that I didn’t want to open. But once I did, the answers came. 🙂

      all the best,

  11. Avatar

    Thanks for finally talking about >The Secret is “Self”-ish – #besomebody.
    | It’s a lifestyle, not a destination… <Liked it!

  12. Avatar

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    Great article.

    I especially resonate with learning to understand your strengths and weaknesses.

    It’s tempting to focus on our weaknesses and try to improve them. But perhaps the most valuable thing we can do is focus on our strengths and offset our weaknesses.

    Thanks for this great article. : )

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